You're too you young and inexperienced..... You're too Old and Fat....
You can't design clothes... You have Big Tits....
This wild card race is getting personal. At least it is between two of the main participants - Colin Montgomerie and Ian Poulter. I've said before that Monty is a golf interviewer's wet dream and this week, the final chance to impress Nick Faldo before he makes his choosings, has been no different. After hearing of how Poulter had been chatting to Faldo to inform him of his decision not to go to the Johnnie Walker he said
"Poulter seems to have a hotline to Faldo..."
Cunning Monty, saying more about what he thought about the situation in eight words than you could manage in a book.
Poulter made a stern effort to quash the rumours that his decision to skip the final qualifying event at Gleneagles was in part down to a nod from Faldo that he and perhaps even Paul Casey were already assured a wild card pick, saying
"I know for a fact that I haven't been given the nod. I'm disgusted that people, players, media would think that Nick Faldo would be that unprofessional."
That's classy positioning there, take the moral high ground and slip in a bit of praise for the glorious leader. But if you're going to brown nose, don't do it half heartedly, really kiss ass.
Wow, that's licking up to the guy who holds the power at the highest level, who says Poulter isn't prepared to do what it takes to make the team. But when you're on a roll...
"The fact is, I know Nick, and I've been fairly friendly with Nick since I've come on tour. I shouldn't stop that fact just because he's Ryder Cup captain. "
Yeah, you can't put relationships on hold just cause one of you gets a new job, why should he let a little thing like the Ryder Cup get in the way of their friendship, why cruel world, why can't you understand them and let them be!
"I don't need to get in the discussion of Monty's discussions. He's got enough work to do this week to try to make the side himself. He should just be getting his head down and trying to play good golf."
And there it is, back onto the moral high ground in the first sentence, the perfect place from which to administer a little psychological headbutt to his rival, cause let's face it, The Montster has it all to do. But he still wasn't finished...
"If you look at my statistics over the last 12 months in relation to the other names that have been put in the potential wildcard choice, I'm 70 points in the world rankings ahead of Paul Casey and Darren Clarke"
Oops, no mention of Colin? Is he so far behind that he's irrelevant? Way to piss off a Scotsman there Ian, a masterclass of the verbals that Alex Ferguson would be proud of.
None of this brou-ha-ha washed with Colin though. Like Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Monty can spot a bit of dodgy goings on from a mile off, without binoculars, he can just smell it...
"Is anyone else speaking to Nick? No. Self-praise is no praise."
Bitchy. Yet again Monty says it all in one line. Cutting. But he can't resist another stab
"It's nice to be told what to do by one so young and one so inexperienced"
Yes Colin, that's what you want to do, get stuck in to the little upstart. Who does he think he's playing with, you're Colin Montgomerie, he should fear to speak your name, he should be referring to you as "The Scottish Player". You are his Macbeth.
Monty didn't go into the statistic for this year, as frankly that would be suicide, but he could have brought up their Ryder Records, Monty the Leviathan of so many Ryder Cups, Poulter, scraped onto one side and got one point. Ian wasn't so quick to point our attention to that little stat... Instead he tried to sound like a level headed chap and pander a bit to Nick himself. I'm sure all of this statement was totally sincere...
"It's a very difficult decision (for Faldo) - not as clear-cut as it has been in previous years possibly - but I am sure he will make the right one. I have to show form to have an opportunity and I have to keep performing this weekend. I don't think I necessarily have to win - if you are 10th on the European Tour these days you are performing quite well."
No one's going to buy this 'I respect Faldo' twaddle and where does this chat of tenth being good come from? Monty was saying only last week that a win was probably required, has that gone out the window. You can't lose your nerve now Monty, you got to get out there and show them, show them all, cause remember, they're all against you. That's what you've always believed and it's always seen you right.
What have Darren Clarke and Paul Casey to say on the matter. Nothing juicy, they're being... oh, what's the word, um... Professional, yeah. They're being professional about it. Boring gits. Can't they see that what Faldo really wants is some unsettling influences in his team? They better wake up cause Monty and Poulter have stolen a march on them.